Relative Grey

Back in the day, every artist painted his Crucifixion, his Madonna, his whatever it was that every artist painted, which could have been Impressionistic clouds or Cubist newspapers. Today, in all the contemporary art galleries of the world, you will find at least one Blank Canvas, usually off-white but sometimes in colour, and every artist who daubs it (one does not paint a canvas that is all one colour; one daubs it, the way one daubs the bathroom wall, using a roller-brush made out of foam) believes that it is an original work of genius that nobody had ever thought of before.

Alongside the blank or single-toned canvas you will also find a thousand other imitations of Duchamp, Picasso and Matisse, interspersed with the modern equivalents of the Crucifixion and the Madonna - generally attempts at optical illusion in the style of OpArt. "Relative Grey" is one of these, and I can vouch for having looked at it in at least a dozen galleries around the world. To be counted as an artist in today's world, one has to have contributed another pointless "Relative Grey" to the catalogue. Here, therefore, is mine.

(For the information, I have alternated four shades of black-to-grey for the text. The darkest is comprised of 125 parts Red, 102 each of Green and Blue, the lightest of 165 parts Red and 153 each of Green and Blue – digital colours max out at 255, for reasons that you will have to ask a computer progammer to explain. I have retained Saturation and Luminosity levels equally for all four variants. It may seem odd to have used the same consistency for two colours when I am discussing the nature of relativity; this is because I regard Green and Blue as siblings, but Red as a second cousin, at least twice removed.)

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